How To Deal With Your Dire Need For Love
To receive love and approval, would certainly be convenient and pleasant. Approval isn’t a problem in itself until it becomes a dire need for you because needing something implies that this very thing is utterly required for life and happiness and without it, you can’t survive.
When you insist that you must have others’ approval, you self-sabotage yourself for several reasons:
1- Demanding approval from every important person is creating and unattainable goal. Even if you had ten people to approve of you, there will always be an eleventh who won’t, which might be because of his own limitation. he might have little ability to love anyone… and most of these reasons are beyond your control.
2- Even if you get the approval you demand you’ll worry about how much and for how long you will be approved. People can stop loving you, or love you less, or leave you and such things you have no control over.
3- If you always need love, you must always be lovable, always at your best, but who is? And even when you have some lovable traits, how can you display them to people all the time?
4- No one can spend the amount of time and energy that will grant him approval at any given moment. And if you do that you will have no time left for other pursuits, you will be then living your life doing what others want you to do and not what you really want.
5- Ironically, the more you need others’ approval, the less they tend to care for you, simply because they start seeing your needs as a weakness in you and since everyone is self-centered by nature, they’ll get bored of you quickly.
6- You’ll be so preoccupied with obtaining love from others that you will hardly be able to care for them. While loving someone is a creative and absorbing act, with the dire need for love you will have little time and energy to devote for those on whom you make your demands.
7- The dire need for love encourages feelings of worthlessness. You think you must have others’ approval because you’re worthless, this also makes you less able to do something about your feelings of worthlessness since seeking approval will cover them.
To minimize your overwhelming need for love you can use the following:
1- Ask yourself what you really want to do and keep asking it from time to time, to make sure you’re living up to your own expectations and not living merely to gain others’ approval.
2- In doing what you want, dare to take risks and don’t desperately avoid making mistakes. And if you fail and people laugh at you and criticize you, convince yourself that it’s their problem and that what they think doesn’t make much of a difference as long as you learn from your mistake.
3- Focus on giving love more than winning it. life isn’t about passive receiving, it’s more about giving and reaching out.
4- Don’t confuse approval with personal worth. When people approve of you, that doesn’t increase your value. For your value has nothing to do with others but has all to do with what you think of yourself. You’re worthy because you’re alive and you exist.
Self- acceptance means “fully accepting yourself, your existence, and your right to live and to be happy as you can be no matter what traits you have or acts you do.” and you only self-accept yourself when you decide to.
By surrendering your desires for dire love and approval:
1- You can start enjoying relationships without believing that your life depends on them.
2- You can better love others, see the lovable traits in them and stop hating them when they do not respond to you immediately.
3- You feel free to experience relationships because you realize that even if you may lose them, you can never lose yourself.
Even as you have to surrender your dire need for love, this shouldn’t be in a total way; means taken to the extremity, which can be as harmful as obsessing with winning approval. Because as human, it’s a normal desire to want love and approval, it’s a powerful desire without it, we would be hardly alive.