Men Are Like Rubber Bands: Your Guide To Understand Your Man's Intimacy Cycle
Men have an
intimacy cycle that is different from the women’s. It involves getting close,
then pulling back and getting close again. Exactly like a rubber band; it can
only stretch so far only to come springing back.
It’s a natural
cycle for a man. It’s not his decision nor it is his choice. It’s not his
fault, nor it is his woman’s fault.
Women, on the
other hand, get confused when their man pulls away. It’s understandable because
a woman only pulls away when she doesn’t trust her man to understand her
feelings, or when she had been hurt and is afraid of getting hurt again, or
when he had disappointed her. Therefore, most women misinterpret their men
retreat.
In a loving
relationship, a man cares a lot about his partner. He tries his best to fulfill
her needs and desires. However, gradually he starts to lose his sense of self
and feel the need to retreat in order to re-establish his personal boundaries
and fulfill his need for independence.
A man pulls away
to fulfill his needs for independence and autonomy. He alternates between
fulfilling his needs for intimacy and then fulfilling his needs for autonomy.
When a man has
fulfilled his need for intimacy, he retreats and distances himself until he
fulfills his need for autonomy. Then he’ll feel again the need for love and
intimacy and he’ll come springing back. He doesn’t need time to get
reacquainted again. He’ll pick up the relationship from the same point of
intimacy he left when he pulled away.
This might be
confusing for the woman, because for her, if she had pulled away, she’ll need a
period of reacquaintance. As a result, she probably will find it hard to trust
her man’s sudden desire for intimacy again.
A Woman often panics
when she feels her man is distancing himself from her, given that he does that
without an explanation. She thinks she had done or said something that has
turned him off and she fears that he’ll never come back again.
To make matters
worse, she tries to run after him, which would only make her man even more
distant, and would prevent him from feeling his need for intimacy and to be
with her again.
If a man never
gets the chance to pull away, he won’t feel the need to be close. If anything,
the more the woman runs after her man, the more he’ll try to escape her and
distance himself. It’s not what she says that triggers his retreat, but when
she says it. A woman pushes her man to talk about his feelings when she notices
how distant he became. At that time, and that phase of his intimacy cycle, the
man needs his own time and space, and pushing him to talk about his feelings,
would only push him away farther.
A man himself
doesn’t understand the cycle of intimacy he goes through. That’s why when a
woman questions his pulling away, he can’t find an explanation. It just
happens. It wasn’t his choice, nor was it his decision.
The couple,
without understanding this cycle, might easily start doubting their love for
each other; the woman is watching her man distant and rejecting when approached,
and the man can’t get in touch with his needs for intimacy because his woman is
running after him.
Moreover, when
the man wants to get closer again, a woman might find it difficult to initiate
the conversation. She’s afraid because the last time she talked, her man has
withdrawn. She mistakenly assumes that he won’t listen. She might also assume
that he’s upset with her and therefore, will wait for him to initiate a
conversation or also, she might approach her man by asking questions about his
feelings and if anything was wrong. This might be confusing for a man, because,
for him, nothing is wrong.
When a man
doesn’t pull away, because he thinks that as a couple, they shouldn’t spend
time apart, or because he feels guilty when he spends some time alone, if he
doesn’t pull away, after a while, few symptoms arises such as moodiness,
feeling irritable and defensive… His natural intimacy cycle is broken, he
doesn’t feel balanced anymore, and problems begin to arise in the relationship.
Women, here’s what to do:
#1. Accept that
your man needs his space. When he withdraws, don’t run after him and trust that
he’ll come back when he’s ready. The more you’ll accept that part of him, the
sooner he’ll come springing back.
#2. When your
man is pulling away, it’s not the time to talk, or try to get closer.
Eventually, he’ll come back, and will be supportive and loving as though
nothing had happened, that’s the time to talk.
#3. Initiate the conversation, not by asking him about his feelings and the reasons why he
retreated, but by sharing your thoughts even if he has little to say.
Appreciate him for listening and gradually your man will have more to say and
begin to open up to you. You can say something along the following: “My dear,
would you listen to me for a while, I’ve had a hard day and I would appreciate
you listening to me, it would make me feel much better.” Men, unfortunately,
don’t realize how important talking is for women. Without being appreciated and
encouraged, a man might lose interest in listening, he might feel as though
he’s not being useful.
You need to
understand that a man doesn’t talk for the sake of talking, he needs a reason
to talk, when you start sharing with him, he eventually will relate to the
things you’re sharing and start talking.
#4. Don’t demand
from him to talk. When being pushed, the man will resist even if he has things
to share. Instead of rejecting your man’s silence, learn to appreciate it, for
it makes him a better listener. Your man needs to feel accepted before he can
open up and talk.
#5. When your
man is pulling away, this is a chance for you to be independent, to take better
care of yourself, and have some time for yourself. You can do the things you
enjoy doing, you can go out with your girl friends, and cherish your
relationships with them.
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